First, I would like to thank everyone for all the good wishes/prayers/thoughts/whatever it is that you do that were sent to my hotband. I appreciate it as it cheered him up immensely by restoring his faith in mankind. Not everyone out there are beasts. See honey? It's just your family that suck, not everyone elses! *heh* Okay, I didn't say that. But I thought it. Loudly.
We went to Friday night services to say "kaddish" for his Grandmother. Kaddish it the Jewish prayer of mourning. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable and squirmy in my own skin. This was the first time we had to go through a death together as husband and wife. So, in the midst of the tension, I made a dumbass joke.
"Yeah," he says.
"Can you be in mourning...at night?"
Hotband didn't even crack a smile. Next?
I am known for saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Those who remember my the story of my fathers death will testify that I am really not very tactful and tend to use humor as a defense mechanism. It's a weakness to some people. Me? I see it as a strength. I would always rather be laughing than crying and I tend to want to remember people shrouded in laughter and good feelings, rather than all snively and whiney and crying. Lawd, I hope no one pulls that shit at MY funeral! I want wet T-shirt contests, naked donkey rides, body shots, lemurs everywhere and oh, I want Aerosmith to play at my funeral! If they're too old, or too dead, then get me Fiddy Cent or Eminem to do it hardcore! But, whatever y'all do, do NOT cry over me! No, remember my fat ass the way it WAS...happy, laughing and saying the most inappropriate things at the worst of times.
Back to my story -
So, we're at the Synagogue. My husband puts on his yamulka. All I am thinking is "ew, lice". You couldn't pay me enough to put on those used beanies. I know a lot of these old men. They're my patients. I also know a lot of them don't make hygiene their top priority. Again, ew. But, I don't say anything. We sit in the congregation room. We're singing and praying and standing and sitting and amen'ing like the good Jews we are.
After services, there are some snacks, drinks, coffee, etc. The old folk use Friday Night Services as their social hour of the week. They are all gussied up, each one of the old ladies with a rolled up piece of tissue paper tucked under their sleeve and a rubberband around their wrist. Will someone please tell me WHY old ladies do this? Is it from watching one too many McGyver episodes? I don't get it. Anyway, a little brouhaha breaks out at the far end of the dining hall. Apparently, Mrs. Goldstein took the last danish right out from Mr. Karp's hand. Well, Mrs. Karp was simply NOT going to have that, so she walks across the room and takes the danish off Mrs. Goldsteins plate. Mrs. Goldstein stands up and yells:
"Vat vit you, meshugana(crazy woman)? You gift me back my danish right now!"
"You STOLE it from my husband, alter cocker! You gift it back to heem, right now!"
"Vat give it back??? You took mein danish!"
"You grabbed it from heem!"
"No! I did no such ting! Your husband is a schlimiel! (loser) A real step and fetch! Is it my fault he is so slow? If he moved his tuchus (ass) he would git heemself a danish. But no. He is slow. So, no danish for heem. Bah."
"Oooooooooooooh!!! A messa mashee af deer(a horrible death to you), you FATTY!"
"I should give you such a zetz (punch) right in the punim (face)!" Mrs. Goldstein is now putting up her fat little dukes. "I should punch you!"
Then, little chubbette Mrs. Goldstein grabs the danish off the plate that Mrs. Karp has in her hand and throws it across the room.
"Der!" she exclaims, "Now no one is to dis danish! None for you! None for me! None for you nudnick (pest) of a husband. Bah!"
And a brawl broke out. An all out brawl. Dentures, canes, walkers, support hose, hearing aids and bifocals, flying everywhere! The hotband, my daughter and I ran out the door, laughing our asses off. You could still hear the Rabbi yelling in the background...
"This is not nice! Not a nice ting on day Sabbath! Oy Gavalt! Shtop it! Shtop it right now!"
Just another Friday in the House of Danish Worship. I truly hope God had the night off.