I tore the meniscus in my knee. Fancy assed way of saying "cartilage". I have a brace on my right knee that looks more like a corset from the 1800's. It squeezes the fat on either end of my leg, making my right leg look more like Jessica Rabbit. In truth? I look deformed.
Now, I am a nurse. I have abounding compassion for all people. I live in Florida where old folks run the show. I do all I can to be patient *read: tolerant* of their ways because, hell, one day we are all going to be there, right?
I'm walking into work today. No, wait. I am hobbling into work today when I encounter the demon of all senior citizens. She is coming out of the door I am seeking access to. We are at an impasse. I can't move backwards out of the way fast enough for the old timer. She is moving at the speed of light to get out to an early bird special. You know, 2 pancakes, 2 eggs, 2 strips of bacon...two dollars at Big Bubba's Early Mornin' Cafe.
"EXCUSE ME," she barks at me.
"I would like to, Ma'am, but I have a knee injury and moving backwards is not part of the dance steps I have learned to master." I say this with a big, jovial smile on my face, being friendly. That's just me. *bats lashes*
"I SAID EXCUSE ME," the grey haired darling snarled.
"Ma'am, if you could just let me IN, I would be happy to hold the door to let you OUT. How's that sound to you?"
"SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, FATASS!"
*blink*
*blink*
'Scuse me? Perhaps she has Tourette's or Alzheimers. I will proceed with compassion, concern and care...the three "C's" of nursing.
"I'm sorry, Dear. I don't think I heard you correctly," Florence Nightingale answers in a sing song voice a la Snow White. "I said, let me just come into the doorway, seeing as I am halfway through it as it is, and I will be happy to hold the door for..."
"I HEARD YA, NURSIE! WHADDYA THINK I AM??? DEAF??? ARE YOU? MOVE THE HELL OUT OF THE DOORWAY, FATASS."
I am looking around for the camera. Any moment, I will see Ashton Kutcher run out from behind some bushes. I have to be getting Punk'd right now. There can be no other reason for this.
"NOW MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, QUEENIE."
With that, the gentle flower shoved her 85 pound body at the glass door. It was enough to knock me on my...well, fat ass. I hit the ground like a ton of bricks, my poor deformed Jessica Rabbit leg in the air. I am flailing about like a turtle flipped onto the back of its shell. I am certain this is the most humiliating moment of my life...until...
"DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR, MISSY," she barked at me and proceeded to walk past me like I was two tons of trash on the sidewalk.
Correction. NOW it is the most humiliating experience of my life.
It is now that one of my colleagues, K., is getting out of her car and sees me on the ground, stupified.
"Are you okay, CP," she asks, "What happened?"
"I tripped," I said, trying to maintain some dignity.
"Holy crap," she said, extending a hand to help me up. "That little old lady that just walked past me told me that someone at the front door needed help. I didn't know it was you! I figured it was just another old person taking a nose dive."
And as I am bringing myself into an upright position, I see a huge ass Lincoln Town Car drive past me, windows down...with the little old wench driving by, waving her gnarled little hand at me.
I could swear she was laughing. Bet she has a real fine story to tell the old cronies over at Big Bubba's Early Morning Cafe.
Monday, April 03, 2006
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32 comments:
Holy crap - what a mean old lady!
Actually, I think it may have been the same old lady I talked to at work a few days ago who apparently thought I had a speech problem or something. ;-)
Sorry to hear about your knee...been there, done that, sucks ass.
gin: Mean. She gave mean a whole new...er, meaning. Wowee. I hope to have a third of her balls by the time I am that age. I read your "speech problem" post. I busted out laughing. That was a riot! You are a funny funny person!
CP.
What a nasty old cunt. I hate old people, I worked in retail for about 10 years and there was many and crabby bitch on my list of customers I wished I could kill.
nobody - I don't hate old people. Matter of fact, I love them to death, even during things like this. I love to see spritely and spry elderly people. Sure, I don't like them knocking me on my ass...but, they do make me laugh.
There's a special place in hell for this broad.
CP.
Ouch! Pain AND humiliation.
What happens to women as they get old? Inevitably they turn mean as hell. My husband's 86-year-old great aunt and his grandmother have both decided that since they're lived to be so old, they're entitled to tell everyone exactly what they thinks at all times, and they have a good bit to say, unfortunately.
Why don't little old men act quite so mean, I wonder?
I like old people - most are funny - but this old bat....take the cake - she was just ensuring that it will be nice and warm for herself when she gets to hell...Sorry about the knee!
tt - Little old men are a hoot. I had one today, 92 years old, link arms with me and say "I'll race ya". That cracked me up and made up for the tiny geriatric terror of the morning. Most elderly people are misunderstood. They are frustrated with life, with the failure of their bodies...but they love to watch youth in action. I have to admit, even though the little broad bodychecked my ass to the floor, I admired her gumption!
fantasta - You know, I think the devil himself might be afraid of this white haired hellraiser. I'm still reeling with the humiliation of it all, but the story was too funny not to share.
CP.
Un-fucking-believable. Even when I'm in a pissy mood I still have manners. Doesn't her generation remember manners? Most of them do I'm sure, but she musta forgot and left her vibrator on and the batteries were dead so she didn't get her good night bell ringin'. It would explain her shitty ass mood.
Glad you lived to tell about an attack from an 87 year old evil, devil spawn.
Ms. M - thank you for making me spew chicken soup on my keyboard. *vomits* Girl, you change your avatar more than I change my panties, you know that? But, I love ya more than mah luggage.
CP.
oh no that old bat DIH'INT! You should have grabbed her ankle as she forged past. Old cow.
In my experience, if someone was a YOUNG bitch, they grow into an OLD bitch. Nice YOUNG guy = nice OLD guy. Same holds true for the mean young guys and nice young wimmins.
I think I ran into the menace of which you speak just the other day!
At work I often say, and yes--outloud, "is it wrong that I want to throttle Granny?"
LOL. Some of them are down right eeeeeevil!
Good Grief!! I've had my share of rub ins with the elderly but this one sounds too humiliating to be true. But I believe ya, old people can be feisty when they wanna.
I’ve had an old lady wanna sic her dog on me for accidentally tramping in her flower beds (I was 10 at the time). I started crying and nearly peed my pants. Luckily a neighbor saw what had happened and came to my rescue. I swear the old lady made fun of me everytime I went pass her house. I hope she died a slow and painful death.
Holy Crap! What an old bitch!!!!
You should've gone in to find out who she was, where she lives, etc. Then we could plot against her.
There is NO reason to treat someone the way she treated you....
I don't give a shit how old you are!
and I'm sorry about your knee :(
Hey, at least she told someone you needed help. She could have left ya there to be rund over by the wheel chair gang.
Karma would dictate you get to pass her meds tomorrow, be nice.
or not.
You know those Shoebox greeting cards with the crabby old lady on the cover? That's what I imagine this old lady to look like. All cartoony and everything.
That reminds me of the Christmas cards I sent out several years ago. It had that crabby lady on the front cover, which said, "Christmas is just plain weird." Inside it said, "What other holiday do you sit around a dead tree eating candy out of your socks?"
Maybe she acting that way because she knows she doesn't have long to live so she is literally going to "seize the day".
Holy shit!
I'm with Pissy. The bitch must die (well, that's not exactly what she said--but I believe it was implied).
Let's get her.
I'm speechless! What an old pruny bitch!
But, if it makes you feel any better, The Daughter's surgery was for a meniscus tear, too, and 4 days after surgery she getting around almost as good as new!
Sorry CP....but my three C's woulda been a tad different for this lady.....just saying.
Yanno, I am a firm believer in nasty old people don't "just" happen. They become nasty and bitchy and cunty after a misspent youth.
Hope your knee isn't too bad for the wear.
Me, personally? I would have called the cops on her. Assault is assault.
Am I allowed to laugh (and snort) if I'm not laughing AT you?
I'm sorry about your knee and the reverse elder abuse but, damn, you tell a funny story.
I'm gonna bet that you're going to tell tales of your surgery that are going to make me want to have my sides surgically split.
You are one seriously funny chickadee.
May she choke on an overdone piece of bacon!!!
yep, i'm pretty sure i met the lady in question
she seems to pop up everywhere
her children and grandchildren are driving those 4x4 trucks they make now-a-days - you know, the ones that are 20 feet tall
they drive them agressively at really high speeds all the time and park too close to pissy's door in parking lots...
Sounds like a certain old biddy just signed up for the week long enema course.
Did you get her license plate (as she drove past you laying on the ground - you were at the right level). I'm sure we could round up a posse. Hey, it IS Tuesday...Maybe Laurie could shank her?!!?!?!
I think you've met your match sweetie! I can totally see this being YOU at the age of 150! Ha!!!!! I'm sorry your leg is all crumpled up at the time. Don't feel bad. I fell down a flight of stairs in my house and I didn't even have the 911 alert button hanging around my neck.
What a day.
Wishing you a speedy recovery! And a sheep singing up you know where... ;)
Okay, that was baaaaaaaaaad, but that's for making fun of my Shakira's sheep-like voice.
My, my, my. Granny needs a colonoscopy with her own Lincoln Town Car.
She was probably in a hurry -- puppies to kick, children to molest...
Sorry about your knee, chicke. You should at least make up a good story on how it happened. Fighting pirates, a barracuda, moray eels....wild, kinky sex in a Vietnamese fuck-swing...something.
Michelle - You think people who are nice, stay nice? Oh no no no, my friend. I was evil once upon a time. I became nice and patient and tolerant. My daughter is sweet as pie...she is slowly becoming the anti-christ. My mother however, supports your theory. She's been a nasty bitch since birth.
KB - That is because you are a NURSE. We run into these people every 3 seconds of the day. For the most part, we are immune to them, no? But every once in awhile, you meet one that twists your titties and really makes you want to bitchslap them. 'Course, that sort of talk should stay in the BREAKROOM, Missy!! *slaps you for not being Hipaa compliant!*
along - That was a funny damn comment. I hope she died the same way too. Old badger, making fun of you for nearly peeing. Shame on that old wench.
CP.
Pissy - actually, I found out today who she was and what office she came out of in the medical center. She was having a mammogram done. No wonder she was so bitchy. She just had her boobies smashed. I can almost feel for her...ALMOST. *heh*
Billy - You make a valid point, and yet, I still want to hit her. Perhaps karma should dictate that I get to take her meds? She must be on a good painkiller or something...*L*
GDG - YES!!! Maxine!!! That is EXACTLY what she looked like! Slouchy clothes that didnt fit right. A big fishermans hat. Sunglasses too big for her face. An oversized purse. All she was missing was the big cigarette dangling from her lip.
CP.
Pud - Omg...you know the most hateful thing I ever said to an elderly person? It was before coming to a nurse. I was driving down a road in New York, when this old guy was crawling along, about to make me late for work. I am blowing my horn at him and he still won't do AT LEAST the speedlimit. I was flipping the hell out! Finally, I was able to pass him up, but first, felt the need to yell out to him "You would think, as old as you are, you would be anxious to get where you are going a bit faster. You probably don't have much time left!" I have hated myself for saying that for years. I hope this guy outlives me. *shameful sigh*
Mr. Fab - You always agree with Pissydoll. That's because she pimped you out. You love her now. You're a big suckup. And a vote whore. And a Flamingo pimp.
CP.
Holy Moly, I think I know where my Grandma is now...on a bender in Florida. I swear, that totally sounds like something she would do. She can be mean, hateful, and a general menace to society. She has actually had several Doctors fire HER, that's how bad she is.
Sorry 'bout your knee. I hope you feel better soon.
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