Once upon a time, there was an evil Dragon Princess. The evil Dragon Princess was notorious for wooing and then consuming all sorts of hot little princes during her early 30's because she was at her peak and well, she could.
Wouldn't you? Rawr.
One day, the evil Dragon Princess met Prince Israeli Hotband. Although he had lived abroad in Asia at one time, he was from a faraway enchanted land known as Brooklyn, New York. (Hollah!) He was a mere babe at a gentle 25 years old and was not yet educated or skilled in the ways of divorcee's, let alone the evil Dragon Princess. The evil Dragon Princess was older, wiser and cunning. She was also 33 and saw the opportunity to regain her youth by pouncing on the poor innocent Prince Hotband. She set out to seduce this Prince and consume him as well. Then, she would simply discard him as she did all the rest. Rawr. *insert fireball here*
The Prince would not allow the evil Dragon Princess to breathe her nasty fire breath all over him. He would constantly keep her mouth full of either food, his kisses or various and sundry other body parts. This would keep the Dragon Princess from speaking. He didn't like when she spoke, cause she was pretty mean.
Eventually, the Prince broke through the evil spell that was cast upon the Dragon Princess by impaling her with his mighty Kosher sword.
Suddenly, the evil Dragon Princess was transformed to a chunky, hot, voluptuous Jewish Princess named CP. She stared at her hero, looking longingly and lovingly into his dark eyes and said...
"Take me shopping, Loverdog."
From that point on, the Prince and the Princess were inseparable and lived a life of matzohballs, pastrami and bagels. This pleased Evil Dragon Queen Esther to no end. Sure, the Prince wasn't a doctor, but at least he was Jew. Oy gevalt! "Someone call a Rabbi ASAP and get these kids hitched," the Queen declared. A marriage took place and the Prince and Princess have been living a lustful and happy life ever since.
Happy birthday, to my Knight, my Prince, my lover and my best friend. You are more beautiful a person than I could have ever hoped to have in my life. Your love has fulfilled so much emptiness in me and made me want to live a better life. You've restored my ability to dream. You have erased the nightmares and replaced them with an unforeseen beauty. Your quiet ways, subtle gestures and moral character have made me want to be more like you. You are a man of honor and loyalty; someone to be respected and revered. I am so thrilled that my children have you to look towards when they need definition of what a man should be. You make my son understand what it is to be a strong man without aggression. You have taught him to be fair, to do the right things and to always listen to his conscience first and foremost. You have taught my daughter what to expect from a man, simply by the way you interact with me. You do wonders for her self-esteem by reminding her how special and valuable she is. You care for her like no other father ever could. And though they were not born from your bloodline, the best of them comes from the very best of you.
All my hopes, dreams and prayers were answered the day we first kissed in the rain. Thank you for coming in, knocking down the fortress of pain I had built around me and for painting my world every single color of the rainbow. I feel special, beautiful and cherished by you. Every woman should have the opportunity to feel this way. And I thank God for bringing you into my life.
Happily ever after.
Your loving, devoted shopaholic of a wife,