Prayers, thoughts...whatever it is you do...

please do it now, for my son.

I got some very bad news today with regard to my son. He's had a spot on his left cheek for awhile now. I thought, being a dermatology nurse and all, that it might have been a skin cancer. The doc I work for assured me it wasn't, and it looked more like an inflammatory reaction to a bug bite. But, you know when you get this feeling in your gut that something isn't right? While I agree that perhaps it wasn't a skin cancer, I knew it wasn't anything he was bitten by. The thing just popped up nearly 3 months ago, didn't change in size, shape or color. We treated it with a strong steroid cream for nearly 2 weeks to see if it was related to inflamation, but it didn't make a dent. So, they biopsied it yesterday. Today, the dermatopathologist calls ME directly, not my boss...but ME and tells me he wants to talk to me (we've known each other for quite some time). He tells me that Nick (yes, my son is Nick. I am divulging this because I want you to know my baby by name) appears to have what is called psuedolymphoma. That is a gathering of cells that mimic the symptoms of classic lymphoma. Now, generally, these are not threatening in any way. However, the pathologist states that he cannot be certain that he doesn't have an actual non-Hodgkins or Hodgkins lymphoma going on until after they do some more special stains. (Immunoflurocence studies for those of you in the med field). This will take a week. You might as well tell me it is going to take a year. It feels the same way to me. Nicholas has a history of heart defect (congenital) and has been through several life saving open heart surgeries. He has Epstein-Barr virus which makes him immunodeficient and more susceptible to cancers. But, worst of all, he has a family history of cancer. Me. I had uterine cancer in 2000 and have been in remission since 2003.

This makes things less favorable for my son.

So, I am begging you all, please, a small prayer for my Nicholas. I can't bear the thought of losing my baby boy. And while I know I have a very positive outlook when it comes to things like this...I still have this gut wrenching feeling that my son is not well. I hope I am wrong and that it is merely my past experiences with him, and losing his brother at birth, that is making me feel this sense of dire dread. I know all of you have gone through some heavy loads of your own in the past and I know you all understand the power of prayer, or at very least, good karma.

I need some. My son needs some. I'm devastated. I haven't told him, nor do I intend to until I have something concrete to say to him next week.

Please keep Nicholas and my family in your thoughts for the next week. I don't remember ever being this scared in my entire life. Its like reliving the very worst nightmare you could ever have.

Only now, it's not me. It's my son. And I would do anything in the world to make it me, but I can't. I know God never gives us more than we can handle and I am surely ready to handle whatever He sees fit to throw my way. Everything is a test of endurance, strength and faith. I am willing to see it through, no matter what the outcome.

But, since all you are doing is just sitting there, right now, doing nothing else but reading my blog, say "It will be okay, CP. I have Nick in my thoughts."

Say it.

Say it now. Out loud. To the screen. Make your family think you are insane while giving me the best three seconds you could ever give to someone in need.

Thank you.



Okay, so this isn't the most "God-friendly" picture of my son, but it is the one that personifies him best. My son has a very morbid, dark, macabre sense of humor...like his mother. I am hoping that God can see the humor here.

3AM EDIT: Please don't forget to read the comments. I have replied to each and every one of you. You were all kind enough to take the time to leave little pieces of you behind for my son and I. I wanted to acknowledge that gesture with one of my own. Thanks to all of you who have opened your hearts to my little boy. May the love and good wishes you have given to us come back to you all, tenfold.