Look at me! Look at me!

I am exhausted with the cattiness of women. Exhausted.

If I hear one more stinkin' ounce of MEOW from anyone, I am going to tear someones head off their neck and literally shit down their throat. I think that women are a little overly sensitive.

Case in point?

The Blog Awards. I cannot believe the way women lose their minds because people don't like their blog. I cannot get over the absolute childish behavior that goes on during these events. I must be one really secure bitch, because not only do I give a rat's ass what people think of my blog, but I don't bother to push for my blog to be awarded anything...ever. Sure, I whored myself out during 25peeps, cause that was fun. That was my picture, not my blog. And, quite frankly, I am superbly stunning and my ass deserves to be plastered from coast to coast as the fat chick you should aspire to looking like.

Please do not call me conceited. It is convinced. I have very, very healthy self esteem. Probably to the point of delusional. That's the great thing about being me, well, that amongst a million other things. Even when I am having a bad hair day, it's always better than most womens great hair days! Yes, I can say that.

And that's my point. This is my blog. I can say whatever the hell I want here. If I want to tell you the sky is purple, then by golly, it's purple. If I want to tell you I am Cindy Crawford, then I am. How the hell do you know what I am or what I'm not? How do you know my sky isn't purple in this corner of the world? I slept with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...and that baby of theirs? Yeah, she's mine. Tom Cruise once barked on my front lawn all night til I rubbed his belly and sent him home to Katie. Matthew McConaughey once showered in my home.

Okay, that one is hard to believe. I'll grant you that one. Not the "in my home" part. More like the "showered" part.

I have read too many blogs lately talking about the stress the authors are feeling to bring the funny or cowtow to their audience. Many people stop blogging because of it, or suffer blogger burnout. They feel the need to blog daily, almost to a compulsion, for fear of losing their readership.

This is not what I am about.

Scroll through my posts. Some have 60 comments. Some have 11. A few have over 100. Does it matter to me? Not at all. First of all, I know many people read but don't comment. I am not going to have the typical tantrum and beg for people to delurk and prove their love of my blog. I don't need that kind of ego inflation. But, the thing I really want to address are the people who feel that everyone must love them all the time. Newsflash! Not everyone has the same taste in bloggery goodness. One of the best rated blogs on the web, Dooce, makes me cringe. I simply do not see her appeal. Why would I say something like that?

Because I don't believe in mincing words and I surely don't feel the need to cower under my opinions.

When you guys come here to read me, I am hoping that you know you are always going to get CP, the real deal, sometimes shrouded in greatness and othertimes, vulnerable and serious. You will always get honesty. Perhaps too much at times. The people in my sidebar are my genuine daily reads. There are others, and those are in my favorites. Some blogs I find really interesting I don't put in my sidebar, because I think they may be a bit much for a lot of people.

I talk openly about my job, my family, my life situations, my mother and my illness. I have nothing to hide and save for my pseudonym for my husband, I generally use real names in my posts.

I wish people would remember that everything you say on your blog is not going to be the perfect fit for everyone. Tommy Lee may slide real easily into the cavernous Pamela Anderson...but would cause me some serious pain, ya know? Sue me for libel? They can't. It's the truth. I've seen the tape and my gynocologist would testify to the virginal tightness that is the royal golden cooze of mine!

So there.

Don't reach for the funny. Don't beg for it. Don't try to presume that everyone is going to like your blog. They won't. Maybe people just don't get you. Maybe a younger reader won't quite understand the trials and tribulations of the older writer. Maybe a younger writer won't appeal to the older reader. Or, maybe your shit is simply trash and no one likes it or you for that matter.

Why does it matter? Why do you care?

When you started this blog, you started it for you. Don't lie, bitches. You said to yourself "I am going to start a blog as my own personal outlet for my feeeeeeelings." Then, some asshole read your shit. They commented. You were like...wow! People like me! Then you wrote something else. Now three people commented. Maybe even some dumb schmuck put you on their sidebar. Holy crap! Ego Boost! Straight to your head! Now you are trying to think of every single funny thing that ever happened in your life. You stick your blog into 23492387 search engines. You add a counter, a stat meter and some cool hyperlinks. You create a header and then, a template! You find yourself answering every single comment...and now, your blog no longer belongs to you.

It belongs to your readers.

Eventually, you create another blog. A more secretive one, because you realize that the blog you intended to be your creative outlet is now an utter attention whore.

Go ahead. Tell me that's not you. Lie to me. See where that gets you.

Some of you spend more time commenting on others blogs than you do posting on your own. Nothing wrong with that. You like to see what your friends are up to or perhaps their lives are more interesting than yours. You are living vicariously through them. Whatever.

The point is, no need to get catty. No need to toss out insipid and ridiculous remarks at people who don't get you...or who you don't get. If you feel that you would rather shove a hot curling iron up your own ass, sans lube, instead of reading someones blog...that's YOUR opinion. You are entitled to it. Don't send your minions out to attack the person whose opinion doesn't mesh with yours. And seriously, don't go to that persons blog and start a little petty war in the comment section.

How utterly silly. Seriously. I have an 11 year old and a 19 year old who wouldn't even stoop to those kind of lows. (Although, I might...if provoked)

I don't see this going on with men as much as I do with women. Men whose blogs are criticized tend to shrug it off. Oh well. Can't please everyone. Women? Nah. Women take that shit very personally. You call their blog shitty, you might as well be calling their kids fucking nose picking trolls. Truthfully, you can call my kids nose picking trolls. I don't care what y'all think of my kids. My children are beautiful. I know that in my heart. You can call my husband a bald stupid fuck. And that may be...but he's MY stupid, bald fuck.

Of course, you could always call me a fat, ugly bitch.

But, then...you'd be lying to both me and yourself. Why bother?

All I am saying is that there are a lot more important things to get worked up over than who likes your blog and who doesn't. Take that energy and focus it on charitable issues. Or better yet, take your fat ass out for a run. Get your flatchested self some implants. Cut your long straggly nappy hair or get your ghetto nails trimmed up! You might want to clear that acne up or do something about that snaggletoothed lookin' mouth you got going on there. Shave that hairy back or please, do something about that ear wax pouring out of your shit. Try working on your heart, your mind and your attitude before you spend every single waking moment worrying about who does and doesn't like your piece of shit blog. WHO THE HELL CARES???

In ten years from now...are people going to remember you for your blog?

Probably not, but they will remember your snaggly ass yellow toenails for decades to come.

Throw some Lamisil on those bitches.