The smelly kid...

we all had one in our school. The smelly kid. The kid that smelled like he never saw soap or water. No one would hang around the smelly kid except that ONE geek kid.

My son is that one geek kid.

His best friend is the smelly kid.

We aren't just talking smell. We are talking reek. The child reeks of cat urine. He used to live across the street from us. They would feed all the stray cats in the neighborhood by leaving their garage door a crack open. The cats, every breed, color and size, would enter this house, eat the food, lay around in the litter box and leave at night. Sounds like the perfect life for a cat, does it not?

Yet, it was a nightmare for me. My son became the best friend of the smelly kid. This child comes over my house, and I gag. I feel bad for gagging but there is little else I can do. My son, because he is so wonderful, sees or rather, smells beyond the smelly kid. My son has found redeeming qualities about this child.

To me? He is a hazzard to society. He smells so bad.

So many times, this child has come to my home and I have ripped the clothes right off of him, gave him some of Nick's hand me down's to put on while I washed his clothes. I used to make up excuses for doing this, like I'm allergic to the cat hair on his clothes. Duh. I own two cats. This really isn't a plausible explanation but I am not going to tell the child he smells like cat ass. I would, however, tell the parents...if they spoke an ounce of English. They don't. They are from the Czech Republic and I am not going to learn "your boy smells like cat piss" in that language just to make a point. I don't think this child even realizes how bad he smells. His entire house smells exactly the same way. Actually, if you stand on the curb outside his house and you are downwind? You will be annhilated by the odor of cat piss wafting through the air.

A long time ago, when they lived across the street, I stuck an anonymous letter into their mailbox. Yes, I know that was very passive aggressive of me, but it had to be done. I wrote that the cats, in their abundance, was a hazzard to the neighborhood and unfair to the kittens they continue to bear. There were cats everywhere on their house. On the roof, the windowsills, the cars, the front porch and all over the lawn. The letter also told them that their children smelled from cat urine and that they should do something about that. (This kid has two older sisters, 16 and 14 who smell equally as bad).

The problem arises when my son tells me he wants this friend to play over the house. I won't let Nick play there. I told him it is because of his asthma and the amount of cat hair in that house. He bought that one. The real reason?? I don't want my son to come home with the stench of cat spritz all over him. It's a foul, bitter smell that makes your eyes water. When the kid comes over, I do whatever I can to make me avoid smelling him. I light scented candles, I put down carpet freshener and DONT vaccum it up, I turn the air conditioning on full blast. Anything not to smell this boy. And when he perspires? LORD have fucking mercy on this bitch's soul...the kid is rancid. He smells like garbage that a cat has pissed on. I told my son to gently tell his friend how much he smells.

"A good friend would not do that, Mom," he said.

"A good friend WOULD do that, Nick!"

"He won't like me anymore if I tell him he smells."

"YOU have to worry about HIM not liking YOU??? He should be grateful that you allow yourself to breathe the same air he does."

"You know Mom," he says, "this is why people don't like you. You're very mean."

"I am not mean."

"Yes you are. And, be that as it may (yes, he actually said that), you don't tell people that you care about things that would upset them. That's rude."

"No, it's rude not to say something and allow them to keep stinking."

"As true as that may be, you don't hurt your friends."

He turned his back on me, grabbed his Wrestlemania action figures and left the room.

I just got told by my 11 year old.

Okay, so maybe I am not that gracious. Maybe I could curb my need to have my air breathable when this child is around. I don't really blame him. It's not his fault. These are the living conditions that he has. If anyone is to blame, it is his parents for not maintaining a hygenic household. It is while I am thinking these things over that my son comes back into the room.

"You really need to get your priorities straight, Mom."

*raised brow*

"Really, son. And why would you say that?"

"Because you care about people with your HEART...not with your nose."






*crickets*





Excuse me. I think I will go hang myself now.