You guys have been through some SHIT, let me tell you! People with all sorts of stuff coming out of their asses, their pee holes, shootin' fire out their eyes and all sorts of other whacky ass stuff. And, for those of you who went the emotional route? I feel ya. For me, there is nothing worse than the anguish of loss...any loss. My apologies in advance if you felt left out. I know, personally, that emotional pain can weigh heavier than physical pain.
Now, let me tell you what my worst pain ever was...ready?
Esther.
Last year, my mother, my daughter, my father, my brother and I were all going out to *shivers* Kmart, of all places. My mother, the avid dog lover, needed a new collar and leash set for her big assed pit bull, Maxi. (How something named after a feminine hygiene product can be threatening is beyond me. Then again, my cat is named Mini...so I guess it depends on your flow). Anyway, we are searching for a parking spot when all of a sudden, Esther screams...
"HAROLD! STOP THE CAR! STOP THE FUCKING CAR!!!"
Then the lunatic, fat bitch from hell does a tuck and roll out the side passenger door of the car. My father had slowed down to 10 miles per hour when the freak opted to jump from the car. Mind you, this is a BIG woman with hip, leg and knee problems. She goes half limping, half galloping over to this car that is rolling out of a parking spot. Rolling...and heading for a ditch.
My mother apparently thinks she is fucking Wonder Woman at this moment and gets behind the car to try and stop it. She falls underneath the car. My daughter and I are in my parents SUV laughing our fuckin' asses off, half from shock and nerves, half from the sheer riot of it all.
My mother, a deeply devoted animal lover, was screaming..."GET THE DOG OUT!!! HAROLD! GET THE DOG OUT! THERE'S A DOG IN THE CAR and it's falling off the CLIFF!!!"
Okay. "Cliff" equals ditch. A two foot ditch.
My father throws the car into park and screams at her, "Are you fucking CRAZY? Whaddya jumpin' outta the freakin' car for, Esther? Are you nuts? You coulda been killed. Are you fuckin' crazy!?"
"Shaddup, Harold," she screams as he hauls her big ass off the ground. "The car fell into the ditch! Someone has to save the dog!"
Apparently, it isn't going to be me, Sam or my brother, cause we are bent over the back seat of my parents SUV urinating on one another from laughing so hard. My brother was like..."do it again, Ma! That was fuckin' cool!" We were all falling over each other, DNA from urine, spit and vomit (I puked from laughing so hard) were flying around the car.
"What dawg, Esther," my father is screaming. "There's no fucking DAWG, Esther!"
"Oh, don't you tell me what I saw, Harold! There's a fucking dog in that car and now it fell off the cliff!"
In the interim, my brother, Sammi and I see a woman running towards the car with her Kmart shopping cart. She is screaming at the fat woman (my mother) to get the hell away from her car! My mother, completely on a crusade to save the dog, got up into her face and screamed "What kind of animal are you?? You leave your dog in the car to fall off a cliff? Are you crazy? Who does that? Are you insane?"
The woman yells back at her, "What dog? Where do you see a dog, lady? I don't even own a fucking dog! And my car rolled into the ditch...or did you push it there while trying to steal my make believe dog, you psycho?"
Brad (my brother) and I are now outside of the vehicle falling all over one another, barely able to stand, gasping for air and in hysterics.
"You get that dog out of that car right now, or I will report you to the police," my mother exclaims!
"Call the cops then, Lady! You're nutty as a fruit bat! I don't have a fucking dog you psychopath!"
My father steps in. "Stop calling my wife a psycho! If she says she saw a dog, then she saw a dog. Get your dog out of the car and there is no problem!"
"I DON'T OWN A DOG!"
The cops pull up. My brother and I both jump back into the vehicle. We both have outstanding warrants, cause we are thugs like that. Still, we can't help wishing we had a video camera at our disposal, cause things were gonna get good.
The cops check out my mothers claim, that there was a dog locked in the womans car. No dog. My mother yells at the cop, "Are you crazy? The dog! He's a little dog! Maybe he's under the front seat, hiding, cause he's scared!"
"Ma'am," the cop answers politely, "there is no dog."
"That's what I have been trying to tell this nutjob," says the owner of the car.
"Nutjob?" yells my father. "Don't you call my wife a nutjob! If she says there was a dog, then there was a dog."
*this will now become the family catchphrase for the next twelve months*Long story longer, the whole mess gets sorted out. There was no dog. We conclude it is just a shadow. The car falling off the "cliff"? A simple case of not putting the car properly into park. The cops didn't haul anyone off to jail. Not the nutjob, not the psychopath...not even the delusional old man who kept saying that if the psycho saw a dog, there must be a dog.
My mother gets back in the SUV with my father. Sam, Brad and I are dead silent, trying so hard to stave off the laughter that is making our cheeks swell and our eyes water.
"Mom," I say quietly.
"What," she snaps back completely aggravated.
"Would you like a superhero costume for the next time you have to save a dog?"
The three of us fall over laughing in the back seat, hysterically laughing to the point of pain in our sides.
So, the worst pain I ever had?
The feel of my mothers three carat diamond wedding ring making contact with my cheek as she proceeded to beat the ever living shit out of me like I was 10 years old all over again.
That night, we sat around the living room...she, with an icepack on her knee and me, with an icepack on my face. The room was quiet. No one was saying much. Maxi was outside in the backyard and whimpering to come back into the house.
"Let the dog in, Harold" my mother grumbled.
"He's not asking to come back in, Esther," he says.
My brother, the fucking idiot, chimes in. "Dad, she said the dog wants to come back in. Don't make her leap over the couch in a single bound. If she says, there's a dog, there's a dog."
Everyone is now laughing...except me. It hurt too much to laugh.
Labels: disaster, Esther, idiots
