Happy New Year and...

Love to you all.


11:15 Upda5e> U am so drunk right now I think I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. Is that normal? Are you supposed to be able to do that? It's very strannge. I amn at my best friends house. Her name is Abby, /we have known each otyer practically since birth. We met in kindergarten, and we call each other womb mates. *snort* The hotband is totally trashed and flirting with all the dirty whores who are here. Of course, none of them are as remotely hot as your majexty but they can aspire to be the goddess that I am. So there. I know I am going to regret typing this in the morning...but right now, the red bulls and vodka are making me completely not care. We did a murder mystery party...I was Gabby /Gosssip,,,perfect character for me cause I have the biggest mouth on the planet. My husband keeps coming over to me and telling me that he is going to fuck the shit out of me later. Sadly, I do not believe this becAuse he is so intoxiczted that I dont think he will be able to locate his penis, let alone use the damn thing. I hope you all are having the fun time that I am because you all desrve it. WE deserve to have the best year in the wrold this 2008 because bloggers are te greatest fucking people alive. We are all the bomb. We care so mucyh about each other and get so involved in each others lives. I really fucking care so much about all of you. I don't consider you "internet" friends. You are like...my real friends. I like you all so mucyh better than the people I associate with in real life...because you people are...REAL. No bullshit. I am really drunk but I sincerely mean this. I do. Don't question the Princess bitches. Ny husband keeps squeezig my tits every five seconds and it is very distracting. But, I love you guys. I do. You know who my first comment ever was to? It was to Mr. Fabulous. He was my very first blogger firend. Then afgter that was Big Pissy. I would link to their pages but sadly, I cannot even feel my own face let alone link to anyone. Their links are in my sidebar as Pointrless Drivel and Southern Circle of Hell. They are the fucking coolest people. You know who else is really cool? Avitable. I love this fucking guy. He is a pisser in a silent byut deadly way. And Laurie. Laurie is the most beautiful person. And DEb. Let me tell you about Deb. I love her. Not just love like a friend love...but I would totally become a lesbian just to get into her pants. Seriously. She is like my best online friend. You all must show love to her because she is bery special to me. And if you ever get a chance to meet Britt, you simply must because she is the most awesomest person alive. She and I have the same tattoo. You know the drama thingie...the sad mask and the happy mask nexdt to each other? I forget what it is called...but we both have that on our left shoulder blades on our backs, Hiw cool us that. /anyway, IU have to go because I can feel in my heart that this is the stupidest post I ever made. But the part about loving all ofg you? That is completely true. Never doubt that. You all have made such a huge impact on my life...that when I refer to you I always say "my friend so and so" because I feel saying my online friend cheapens the feelings I have for y'all. Anywaym, I have ti take me and my big ol' tits back to the party because my presence is missed...but I love you all and hope you have the most happy new year ever. I feel like this is going to be our year, people. Everyone is goign to shine this year...I can feel it. Not like I am a psychic or anything...more like a psycho...U have to stop writing now because it is almost midnight and I need to be migngling with the peons at this party. All bow to me.! Hail m3e! Oh my God...Why does being drunk feel so good? I dont usualoly get drunk but tonight I feel it was imporatant to. Anyway, let me shut up already. I will blog more later after it is 2o908. Wow. /that s not even a number. Holy shit. I think I am going to vomit. Let me give you all some advice? Don't go near your blogs if you have been drinking because you start to sound like a total asshole even thoggh you are a complete and utter goddess. Just saying. Wow. I erally feel like I am going to puke. But in a good way, you know? The last time I was this drunk was at Avitables Halloween party and it rocked. It was like the best party ever. If you have a chance to go to his Halloween party...I say DO IT@@@ Nothing is more fun than his party is. Notyhing. I have to go...it is almost midnight and I need to present myself to the masses and slide my tongue down my husband s throat. He's so hot. I love that man. Whoa. I really need to stop blogging but it is like...I can't,,,byt I anm going to. So, I love you guys so much. I wish all of you were here. Love love love love love.


Midnigh Update. Happy New Year. I haven't puked yet, so I am feeling pretty good for the new year. My husband put on a phemonenal fire work display. Yes, he will definately get a blow job for all his hard work. Just saying. More later.

2am update. My husband and I shared an intimate moment in the bathroom vomiting. I had to show him how to do it without getting it on the floor. I pride myself on being a professional vomiter. I missed my calling in Hollywood. I would have put Linda Blair to shame if I was cast in the Exorcist. No one vomits better than I do. I can literally vomit and get up as if nothing ever happened. I'm good like that. My husband? Not so much. Notice I am typing better now? That is because a good vomit clears the mind. You must vomit and become one with the universe. That's just how it is. None of the children are on fire or bleeding, so I consider this a successful New Years Party. I know I am going to feel this in the morning...and I am dreading it...but for now, it is great fun to drink and vomit and then, drink some more. Vomiting is a wonderful past time for lovers. It forces you to bond over bodily fluids...not like sex, which is also slimy and sweaty. I wish I could have an orgasm when I vomit. I would become bulimic. That's really not funny, but at the moment, I find it to be hysterical so shut the fuck up, kay? Thx.

Almost 3am update. Apparently I wasn't done vomiting. I peed in my pants because I threw up so hard. I have admitted this to several people at the party and now, to all of you. I am in my pajamas now because I wet myself like a five year old on the first day of school. Whatta tard. I am ashamed to be me right now. That's not the important thing. The important thing is that I hogged up all the good pillows so I can sleep with all the fluffy goodness tonight while everyone else suffers with the flat, lameass pillows. I am a selfish cunt. But I am dry now...and that makes mama very happy.

Almost 4am update. Oy vey. How. How did I ever do this in high school and college and survive, can I ask? I am sick as a fucking dog right now. I vomited again, only this time, it was those very sexy dry heaves? Ya know? The kind that break the blood vessels under your eyes? I look like fucking death warmed over, but my bra is still on, so there is hope for my recuperation. I doubt I will be back on here until morning. I am looking forward to the bed spins. My husband and I actually thought we were going to have sex tonight. Ha. If he touches me, I will combust and I do not mean that in a good way. I feel like the Titanic...right before it went under. *gurgle gurgle*

4:05 Update. I have just invented what is called "vomiss". This is when you vomit and piss simultaneously. I had to do this quick switcheroo thing in the bathroom where my face was promptly replaced by my ass. This happened several times until I couldnt figure out what fluid was coming from what orifice. Fortunately, no one has seen me do this...so my secret will remain safe with all of you. I am going to bed now. Again. Dear God...please let me sleep without vomeeping. (vomiting while sleeping).

4:30 am update. No danger in my vomeeping, because I can't do the "eep" part. Too many red bulls. I have the shakes. I also vomited so hard that I made my period start ten days early. Either that, or I blew out a major artery somewhere in my body. In either instance, I am fucked. I have no tampons and I am residing in a house of a post menopausal person. *sigh* Do you think anyone would notice a towel balled up in my pajama pants? Probably not, since I am the only person in this house who is still awake. Fucking red bull. Die fuckers.

9 am assessment. Head pain. Check. Matted down sweaty hair. Check. Vomititious breath despite multiple brushings. Check. Broken blood vessels, burning stomach and jaw pain from my ribcage passing through my esophagus. Check, check and check.

Yep. Must be New Years Day.

The difference between Chanukah and Christmas...

as told from the standpoint of a Jewgirl.

1 Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts*, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful.... Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.


11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

Fleas La Dee Dah!

(as my daughter used to say.)

Hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Love you all.

A new addition to the family...

Been so busy with Thanksgiving, New York and a ruptured eardrum that I had scarcely the time to tell you about the new addition to our family!

Okay, first of all? She's black. I hope this won't offend anyone because I normally don't make things a racial issue, but this is an appropriate identifier. Like, if you were talking about me I would expect "fat assed sexy mutha fuckin' Jew princess". It's a natural identifier. Another thing? Flat. Flat as a fucking board, not a ripple, a lump or nipple in sight. Normally, my husband likes a big fulll front like his wife has...but this girl is the exception. She's exactly five feet tall and insists on laying all over my furniture! She's heavy too...but my husband likes 'em big. She is quite beautiful, I will give her that much...and she has completely taken away my husband! As a matter of fact, he spends all his time with her now and it is getting to be a huge issue between us. The other thing? He likes to control her. He doesn't get that with me because I can't be told what to do and he can't push my buttons.

Do you want to see her????



There she is, in all her glory. My husbands new love. The love of his life. And yes, he is definately compensating for shortcomings. *snort* I figure if I have to see him with another woman...this should be the one, don't you agree?

Besides, I like the way he looks when he gets behind her...



Very sweet shot of the hotbands ass. Now this is the kind of threesome that will make everyone happy.

*smooches*

Damaged Princess

Hey all, just checking in. I ruptured my eardrum and worsened it on the plane ride home. I am on a ton of antibiotics, drops and painkillers. Depending how things are by Thursday, I will have to have surgery on my eardrum. This is not quite the way I hoped my time in NYC would be spent. But leave it to my being with Esther to suddenly burst my eardrum.

Coincidence? I think not.

Leave me a hug, a kiss or some good wishes. I am in a lot of pain and could use the love right now.

Talk soon.

*smooooooches*

What up, DAWGS???

CP coming at you from NYC! Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. Had to go see Esther and the crew. Throw it up, y'all. (Your hands, not your lunch). The hotband is coming in from the big O (Ohio) to meet his baby boo (me). I got me some mean video with the big E-mom on a brand new video cam so the quality will be the shizz!

Don't be haters. This bitch is getting her shop on at the Miracle Mile today.

Check it. I almost missed my plane yesterday, so I had a choice...jump straight to the gate without checking my luggage or miss my plane. So my baby boy and I decided to come without threads straight to NY. No luggage just gives a bitch a reason to shop! I got me some undies and socks at Walmart, along with some PJ's. You can get the staples at Walmart but that's it. Beyond that, you are committing a cardinal sin.

I am going to see muh babies...my niece and my nephews so this should be a good trip. I'll be back on Monday night, unless something so funny happens that I feel the need to jump back in and post about it!

Ciao, Bellas! *smoooooooooches*

I've been thinking...

a lot about me lately. What else would I be thinking about? You? Ha. Afraid not. No, in actuality, I have been thinking about the progress I have made as a human being. In the past twenty years, I have changed a great deal. My politics remain the same, but I seem to have mellowed out with age.

This comes as a huge disappointment to me as I always thought of myself as being the zany old lady with all the cats, no teeth and lots of tattoo's. I could picture myself in a rocking chair telling this garsh-durned kids to get offa mah lawn while waving a stick at them. I fear this is not my future.

I am turning into my mother. I am noticing that I am getting snobbier as I am getting older. A wee bit too judgmental for my taste. For example, I found that I am very irritated by tramp stamps. You know, lower back tattoos. They bother me because I think about what they are going to look like when their twenty year old ass expands into a forty year old ass. It's not going to be a tramp stamp at that point. More like a tramp road map. I also find people who are missing any of their first six teeth on either the bottom or the top highly offensive. These could be the lovliest people on the planet but all I can think about is "sister, get that tooth replaced. Even if you have to use a chiclet, put something in that bitch of a hole." My mother and I both share a disgust for waitresses that look greasy. There is something about a greasy bitch that I don't want lingering over my food. However, while I think it...Esther will come right out and ask for a new waitress.

I haven't worked myself up to that point yet. I think that comes with being sixty and not giving too much a fuck about anything.

My mother also sends back her food, once per dining experience. It's either too cold, too chewy, not tasty enough, overdone, underdone or something that makes her dining experience less than perfect. I am trying to obtain the brass brajoles that she has. Too often I will just eat what is on my plate because it is there and I am hungry. She will complain if her lettuce is soggy, if there is too much dressing on her food, if her coke has too much ice in it or if the waitress, God forbid, forgot to bring lemons for the ice water.

I have found myself, as of late, to be just as intolerant as she is...and I am not proud of this. Last night, at a restaurant with my husband, I demanded that he send his food back because his steak appeared undercooked. He was fine with it. I was not. Ergo, the food went back. Oh no, bitches, I do not spend my husbands hard earned money on things that are less than perfect.

See? Snob. It is slowly creeping into me like a fungus.

I make an effort not to be like my mother, yet something slithers within me. It is her genes wreaking havoc on my own...like a predator within me. It is slowly eating all the compassionate genes and baring it's ugly teeth, eating away at the bowels of my soul. Pretty soon I will start talking with my mouth full of food, wearing glasses that are too big for my face and start every sentence with "Oy".

Is it too late to reverse the process? I think so. I'm scared. So very afraid. I might even have to erase this post...because it is simply far too good for the likes of you.

Dear God. It's happening again! Arrrrrrrgh!

Clue me in...

because obviously I don't know what the fuck is going on with people nowadays.

It is the holiday season, you fucking grinches. May I ask why you are all so snotty this time of year? Does no one want to actually do their jobs any longer? Do we expect to get paid without any effort being put into our work? Here's a charming example of a phonecall I made earlier today. I call to make an appointment for a haircut.

"Hello, Hotheads."

"Hi, this is CP. I'd like to make an appointment with Lisa for Wednesday."

"An appointment for what?"

"A haircut?"

"When for?"

"Wednesday."

"What's your name?"

"CP"

"Okay, you are set up with Anna for Wednesday."

*click*

Um, I believe I said LISA and it would be nice if you gave me a time, you moron. So I call the salon back.

"Hotheads"

"Hi there, this is CP. I just made an appointment for a haircut?"

"What day?"

"Wednesday."

"With who?"

"Well, it was supposed to be Lisa, but you gave me someone named Anna."

"What time was your appointment with Anna?"

"I don't know," I said. "You never told me."

I hear a HUGE heavy sigh on the other end of the phone that if it suddenly became verbal it would have said why are you wasting my time, bitch.

"Hold on."

"But I just need to know..."

"HOLD ON!"








Oh no she di'n't. She did NOT just bark at me and put me on hold. Oh, I don't think so, bitch. It's on now...

The phone disconnects. I call back.

"Hello, Hotheads."

"Yes, who am I speaking with please?"

"This is Kat."

"okay, Kat? This is CP. I just made an appointment for Wednesday with Anna. You never told me what time the appointment was for. You told me to hold on and then hung up on me."

"Hold on."

"No no no no no, YOU hold on. It's a simple question. I just want to know what time my appointment is on Wednesday."

"It's with Lisa, right?"

*sighs*

"It was supposed to be with Lisa," I say, exasperated. "You gave me to Anna."

"Did you ask for Lisa?"

"Yeeee-eeee-eeees," I reply sarcastically.

"You don't have an appointment with Lisa. You're not on her schedule for Wednesday."

"I realize that. You set me up with Anna. I asked for Lisa."

"Okay. I switched you to Lisa."

"Great, thank you...now I..."

*click*

HELL the fuck O??? I still don't know what time my appointment is on Wednesday!!! I call back now for a third time.

"Hello, Hotheads."

"This is CP. Is this Kat?"

"Yes."

"Kat, listen to me carefully. You just set me up with an appointment with Lisa on Wednesday. I need to know what time you set me up for. You never told me the time."

"3 pm."

"That's no good, I have to pick up my son at that time. What do you have open around 1pm or so?"

"I have an opening at noon."

"Great. I'll take that."

"Okay, you are set up with Anna for noon on Wednesday."

"I asked for Lisa."

"Oh. That's no good. Lisa doesn't work on Wednesdays."