It's Mah Birfday!!!

Today, 42 years ago, Esther hacked me out of her precious body. I was a C-section baby. Why? Because it was Labor Day weekend and Esther had a party to go to on that Sunday...so she set an appointment to push me out 3 days ahead of schedule so she could look "less pregnant" for her party.

This was the priority...not letting me fully gestate before being removed.

The payback? She has a big ol' hatchet looking scar running from her belly button to her pubic bone, courtesy of moi. Yes, I destroyed the flat and perfect stomach of Esther...and she's never let me forget it.

I share this day with Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson, proving that only freaks and weirdos are born on this day.

42 years ago. *sigh* The only thing grand about this birthday is the fact that I am going to be one helluva sexy grandmother before the year is out. Hooray for good genes. I have to attribute that to Esther who looks like she is in her 50's despite being 67. Yes, mother. I said it. 67 years old and still a stunner.

So far I got me some Counting Crows tickets from my husband and a bee yoo tee full necklace from my parents. Don't know what the rest of mi familia has in store for me but I am looking forward to finding out. Yay.

Tell me what you are doing today to celebrate my birth and mind you, laundry is an unacceptable practice. I grant you all one laundry free day on behalf of my birthday.

Call it a gift.

If ya want mah body...

and ya think I'm sexay, come on sugar let me know...

I am going to see Rod Stewart tonight in concert. My husband is SO not looking forward to this. For me, Rod was a staple growing up in the 70's and yes, I used to think he was hawt. For the hotband, this is going to be like sticking a hot poker into the tip of his penis. He TRULY does not want to be going but alas, it is my birthday and what I say goes. *snort*

Is anyone else a fan? What's your favorite Rod Stewart song?

The Mouth of Esther...

Let me preface this by saying...I love my mother. I do. Honestly. My mother has a horrible habit.

She chews with her mouth wide open. To make matters worse, she speaks to people while food is hanging out of her mouth. She gets this from my grandmother. I told my husband to shoot me in the head if I ever start doing this.

So we're at a restaurant in Lawn Guy Land, New York. My mother is eating a piece of bread...more like gnawing on a piece of bread when, to my horror, the server comes up to take her order.

"I'll have (narf chew chew chew) the chicken (gurgle snort crunch) breast with the (slurp narf chew smack) steamed vegetables."

The server is looking at her in absolute horror. I am looking at her in absolute horror. My hotband is sliding under the table, completely mortified. My father, however, must be used to looking at her gaping maw slathered with food as she speaks because he pays no mind to this practice whatsoever.

She takes another bite of bread.

"Tell me (narf snort chew) how big the (crunch chew) chicken breasts (gnaw chew narf) are."

This poor server is trying to make hand gestures to show her how big the chicken breasts are. She shakes her head.

"That's too small," she says with her mouth mercifully empty now. "I'll have the salmon instead. How big is the salmon?"

Again the server is trying to make hand gestures to show her the size of the salmon piece. You can tell he is getting frustrated. He has other tables to wait on. She starts to butter another piece of bread.

Oy vey.

She then asks the server to bring her out a glass of water with lemons, lots of lemons, so she can make what I call "welfare lemonade". She squeezes about 14 lemon slices into her water, adds 44 packets of Splenda, stirs it up and drinks it. Nasty.

So anyway, she is about to start snarfing down another piece of bread when my father suddenly perks up and says:

"Don't you eat another piece of bread until you order your food."

My mother glares at him with piercing devil eyes and proceeds to pop the bread into her mouth anyway. Mind you, she still hasn't placed her order. The rest of us tell the server what we would like for dinner. She is snacking away on this piece of bread, teeth exposed, bread shoved up into the upper lip of her gaping maw, butter smeared all over her teeth and gums.

She proceeds to ask the server about the size of the burgers, the size of the portion of ribs, the size of the veal...I am surprised she didn't ask him what the size of his dick was. After this goes on for fifteen minutes (or, it felt like it was that long), my mother finally swallows the last of the bread she had in her mouth. She's pondering her food choices. As she is doing this, she butters yet another slice of bread. We all sigh, including the server who is doing the best he can not to bitchslap my mother into next week.

"Forget it," she finally says, her mouth full of bread. "I'll have the chicken."

Ta DAHHHHHHHH!!! I'm back, bitches!

Did anyone notice I was gone? No? Fuck you then. First off let me tell y'all something. Hiatus from blogging is like jonsing for nicotine. So many times I walked to this computer and said, "screw this hiatus stuff, I need to blog". Truth of the matter is, I needed some time away from the keyboard. Sometimes you are at a loss for the right words to say. When the Princess goes silent, there is something genuinely wrong with the world.

And make no mistake, my world has been fucked as of late.

First of all, I spent most of the summer with Esther. Yeah. Nuff said about that, right? And I have stories, babies. Oy, the stories I will regale you with will be simply fabulous. You can't spend that much time with the Tsunami named Esther without having some backlash to discuss.

Next, I survived Hurricane Fay. Nasty little bitch this one was...came straight through Tampa and dumped a shitload of rain and wind on us. Thank you to the few who emailed me (all six of you bee yoo tee full peeps) to check on my status. The Princess lives to write another day while Fay slinks off into a corner to jerk herself off in peace. Shes gone. I'm not.

Ha.

Lastly, my 42nd birthday is coming up this Saturday and I wanted to make sure that y'all had enough notice to buy me some shit. Seriously. I want gifts. Lots of them...or at least send a bitch a card, you know? Show some damn love.

I have to give a shout out to Pajama Chick who made me a beautiful embroidery of the word "Princess" with a crown and everything! It is too beautiful and I am making it into a pillow to rest my pretty head on.

My daughters pregnancy is progressing well. She looks like a fucking meatball, she's all round and shit. It's cute. I put up the crib and got some faboo bedding for it (pictures to follow in a later post). She also did that 3D imaging of the baby while in the womb and I am TELLING you, this child looks just like my daughter! These things are so freaky! You can really see the baby!

I am going to be holding a "baby naming" contest this week...so break out your baby books and come up with some really sweet baby girl names. The winner will get to spend an hour on the phone with me. Nah. Not really. But there will be a cool prize involved I assure you of that, bitches.

The hotband is great. He has been home waiting on me hand and foot the entire summer. I Lurve when he is home cause everyday is my fucking birthday. He is as sexy as ever. He still moistens my panties. 'Nuff said there too. Thanks for inquiring!

My son, the little rock star joined the school band. He is blowing into a clarinet and playing the guitar. His voice has changed. He sounds like a little man now, even made it a point of showing me the hair he is getting under his little armpits. Hello??? Can I stand another child going through puberty?? I don't think so.

My official bra size as of now is 44F. Yes, they grew again and I felt the need to update everyone on this earth-shattering news.

So that was my summer. It is now back to school time so it was time for me to come out of quasi retirement. Tell me about your summer in the comments. Any good gossip that I missed? Hm??? You simply must dish. I need to get back in the loop.

Love ya, babies! I MISSED YOU GUYS!!! *blowing kisses...and everything else y'all want blown!*