I want to walk away from this blog, but I can't. So I am going to do things a little differently.
I'm not allowing comments.
After some time, I felt like I was writing to an audience, instead of using this blog for its true purpose...writing. I go back to old posts and they were insightful and humorous. When I was getting 30 to 60 comments a day, I realized there were people out there who enjoyed my writing. I started catering, pandering actually, to those people. It affected the way I write and eventually, I felt like I had to "entertain" instead of just writing from the core.
I watched this happen to a few other blogs. I can't do that with mine.
There are people who enjoy writing to entertain. They are good at it and do it effortlessly. They manage to post daily and be hysterical or deep or clever. I'm not one of them. I thought I was, but I'm not. I want (need)to write for me. If someone happens to read it and is inspired, wonderful. It's just not meant for me.
It's not that I don't want people reading my blog. If that were the case, I would make it private. The reality is I wasn't writing from my heart anymore. I was writing with my head without a real purpose. My other blog was being misused...I stopped using it for my bipolar disorder and started using it as an escape from THIS blog.
Why would I feel like I have to escape from my own content? It's a ridiculous notion.
So that's it. This is probably the only entry that will address this situation. I can't explain it any better than I have. If something is so dire that you feel the need to comment, my email address is on my page. I am not giving up my friends that I have made through my blog. That would be ludicrous. I met the most amazing people through this blog. I even made out with a few of them...
That's another story for another day ;)
Maybe someday I will feel like I can open up my comments again without feeling like I have to be on display or being hyper interesting. I can come to the party in my pajamas rather than a ballgown. That's what it feels like...
The blog is here. I'm here. I will use this place to share stories about things that are going on in my life. That's all. It was the original intent. I have to keep it that way for my own good.
And even after saying that, I am wondering what everyone is thinking about this post...
I will never know.