I went to visit my grandmother...

yesterday, in Miami.

She's 90 years old and in a skilled nursing facility.

It was hard to see how much she has deteriorated over the years. She scarcely remembered me. Thought I was her daughter, Esther, my mother. She has demetia and is now in the beginning stages of Alzheimers. She has "repeat syndrome" which is when someone says the same thing over and over. Yesterday, she kept saying A-L-I-D. Those letters over and again before being able to form a complete sentence. I don't know what those initials mean to her, but to me, they are permanently burned into my brain.

She has a permanent smile on her face. She cried when I told her that I loved her.

Twice.

It's difficult to see her in that condition. She was always a very stoic woman...strong and confident. She was a terrible mother. Very abusive to Esther and her brother in a Joan Crawford-esque sort of manner. She was abrasive and nasty to the core, which is why I think she has made it to 90. Always full of piss and vinegar, that one. She wasn't a terrific grandmother either.

I remember her trying to perm my hair when I was 9 years old. She literally beat the shit out of me when I carried on and refused. I didn't want curls in my perfectly straight brown hair. I cried and cried and called my mother. I begged for her to pick me up. She didn't. Too busy being out with her boyfriend at the time.

She never did perm my hair. My grandfather finally intervened.

I remember Grandma's maid, Kitty. Grandmother used to ring a bell for her to come to her aid. KIIIIIITTTTTYYYY, she would scream at the top of her lungs. Kitty was the first black person I had ever met. She was so kind and loving. Never said a cross word about my grandmother even though she treated her like garbage. I used to love Miss Kitty. She was the only reason I would love to go to my grandmothers house. She always cooked delicious food. Even made meals that were "Jewish". She made incredible matzoh ball soup. Miss Kitty wwould always tell me fun stories about her childhood. I was a kid of privilege so I wouldn't understand a lot of what she spoke of...like washing her clothes in the sink or never having a television set. She was much older when they came out. She told me she and her children used to gather around the window of an appliance store and watch the television through the window. She couldn't hear the voices of course, but she was fascinated by the pictures. They didn't have books. They had the luxury of a radio and used to listen to radio shows.

Couldn't wrap my little brain around any of it.

Anyway, all these memories came flooding back to me when I saw my grandmother in that bed, helpless and frail. She is blind now, a victim of macular degeneration. She listens to books on tape. That is all she has. There are pictures of the family hanging up in her room. Esther put them up. I found it ironic, seeing as grandma is blind now. Perhaps a daughters hope that someday, her mother will be able to see again.

I don't know.

All I do know is that right now, the realization has hit me that I am half my grandmothers age. My life is halfway over in a sense and I don't know what I have to show for it.

Then, I come home from Miami and see my beautiful children and my delicious grandaughter and I realize that those are the greatest achievements that one person could make. They are all happy and healthy and I suppose I couldn't ask for better than that.

Still, it pains me to know that my grandmother, despite her shortcomings, is so close to the end of her life. I am almost grateful that she is oblivious to her surroundings. It makes me feel better that she doesn't realize where she is and that family is not close by.

I can't fathom ever seeing my mother, Esther, in this condition. It is hard to watch someone with so much strength turn into a mindless human being with no control of their bowels or bladder.

I suppose we leave this world much like we come into it.

So it's April Fools Day...

and I am empty handed this year. I have no pranks to play and no one good to play them on. Usually I do something crazy at work, but I am not working right now. It is always amazing to me how many people fall for April Fool pranks. You know it is April 1st. How could you possibly fall for anything that day?

A couple of years ago, I wrote on this blog that I was shutting it down and never coming back. People wrote me and told me not to do it. Hello? It was April Fool's day! Wouldn't you put the two together and figure that out? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I don't fall for stuff like that.

It would be terrible if something actually DID happen on April Fool's day because I wouldn't believe it. I would think the person is pulling a prank on me and I would blow off whatever they are saying.