The first time I heard these words, I almost shook with fright.
What am I to be if not a nurse? Where do I go from here?
I made a decision during my 12 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy. I opted not to reinstate my nursing license. After a lot of soul searching and mulling the process over, I decided that nursing was no longer going to be a part of my future.
When I received my contract from the nursing board, they made some extraordinary demands of me; demands that I know I would never be able to comply with while attempting to get out into the workforce again. I thought long and hard about this decision and I decided that it would be in my best interest to let it go. The past 12 weeks in IOP taught me a lot about myself and the things I want to do with my future.
That's when I came to realize that nursing was not a part of what I wanted to do with my life.
I called my counselor and told him this. He said he wasn't really surprised, as this wasn't the first time he heard me allude to this.
"It's not in my heart any longer," I told him.
And you know what? That's okay. A long time ago, I had a first love. That first love was writing. It always has been. It always will be. While nursing was a challenge, it never fulfilled me the way my writing did. I have been published a number of times. When I walked away from that to pursue a career in nursing, I felt like I put a part of my soul away.
I am 43 years old. It is getting late in life not to pursue dreams.
With that said, I am going back to my dreams of writing for a newspaper. I have written editorials for magazines before. I have a vast collection of work that I have done over the years, work that I am very proud of. When I went to college a million years ago, my major was journalism.
With the support of my husband, I am going to pursue this dream of mine.
I realize that newspapers are a dying breed, so more than likely, it will mean writing for online news journals, but I am ready to take on this challenge. In the interim, I will probably work as a medical assistant in a doctors office, as I will no longer be able to represent myself as a nurse. But, having nights and weekends off will allow me to pursue this dream of mine. The flexibility will allow me to write creatively once more.
I am 97 days sober and I have never seen anything more clearly in my entire life. I am ready for this next stage, this next step. Careers are one thing, passions are quite another. I am ready to forgo my career and let my passion run rampant once again. It will be a dream come true to parlay my passion into a new career.
I don't know if it is smart to start my life over at this juncture, but I can't allow myself to look back and know I never tried.
One door closes. Another opens.
I am ready to step through this new door. It's time.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Down to the wire...
At this moment, I am 72 days, 13 hours and 53 minutes sober.
Had I not had that unfortunate slip up (read:relapse) back in August, it would have been 174 days, 13 hours and 53 minutes.
Oh well. Can't look backwards. Must keep forging ahead.
This is week 11 of my 12 week intensive outpatient program. I remember at week one that I scarcely knew how I would get through it. I walked in there angry at having to be there. I felt like I was being punished heavily. And, in some aspects, I have a right to feel that way. But, I Have since let that go. I have gained a lot from these classes.
So much so, that I think I will continue attending a few of them even after graduation. I doubt I will go five days a week like I am doing right now, but once or twice a week? Definately. It's keeping me on the straight and narrow.
Finishing up next week now leads me to a whole new area to ponder. What's on the horizon next? The Nursing Board mandates that I finish this program successfully. By next week, I will have accomplished that. After this, they send you out a contract that will state how long I must continue to be monitored. Sometimes it's a year. Sometimes, three. I've also heard they go as long as five. I will get my license back, but there will probably be some restrictions like the inability to dispense narcotics for a set period of time. This is going to make finding a job very difficult.
You also have to disclose to your prospective employer that you are being monitored by the program. I don't know too many places that will want to take on a nurse in recovery. There will be mandatory random drug tests at 3-5 tests a month. They also limit where you can and cannot work. No home health. No night shifts. No surgery centers, which is upsetting to me since surgery is my specialty.
A whole new set of challenges ahead of me. But, I can get through them.
I'm a little bit stronger than I once thought.
Had I not had that unfortunate slip up (read:relapse) back in August, it would have been 174 days, 13 hours and 53 minutes.
Oh well. Can't look backwards. Must keep forging ahead.
This is week 11 of my 12 week intensive outpatient program. I remember at week one that I scarcely knew how I would get through it. I walked in there angry at having to be there. I felt like I was being punished heavily. And, in some aspects, I have a right to feel that way. But, I Have since let that go. I have gained a lot from these classes.
So much so, that I think I will continue attending a few of them even after graduation. I doubt I will go five days a week like I am doing right now, but once or twice a week? Definately. It's keeping me on the straight and narrow.
Finishing up next week now leads me to a whole new area to ponder. What's on the horizon next? The Nursing Board mandates that I finish this program successfully. By next week, I will have accomplished that. After this, they send you out a contract that will state how long I must continue to be monitored. Sometimes it's a year. Sometimes, three. I've also heard they go as long as five. I will get my license back, but there will probably be some restrictions like the inability to dispense narcotics for a set period of time. This is going to make finding a job very difficult.
You also have to disclose to your prospective employer that you are being monitored by the program. I don't know too many places that will want to take on a nurse in recovery. There will be mandatory random drug tests at 3-5 tests a month. They also limit where you can and cannot work. No home health. No night shifts. No surgery centers, which is upsetting to me since surgery is my specialty.
A whole new set of challenges ahead of me. But, I can get through them.
I'm a little bit stronger than I once thought.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Celebrating Nicholas.
Let me start by saying how much I love my daughter, Samantha. She's an amazing girl. She's smart, cute, funny and embodies the personification of a loving human being. She's a really good girl. I was very blessed with this child. She was the perfect pregnancy and then, the perfect child. We are close and with the birth of my grandaughter Sadie and the imminent birth of my grandson Liam in January, we have only become closer. Sharing motherhood is a bond between mother and daughter that cannot be described.
That said, let me tell you about Nicholas. He turned 14 yesterday, on Halloween. When Nick was born, he had massive heart and lung defects. He wasn't expected to live let alone thrive the way he has. An open heart surgery later, after months of being on a heart monitor and sleep apnea machine, he has not only grown but has thrived, turning into a strapping young man who is healthy in every way.
Nick and I are abnormally close. I say abnormally because most mothers and sons do not talk about every aspect of their lives the way Nick and I do. We bond over music especially. We are both musicians. He plays the clarinet, guitar and drums. I am a classically trained pianist and oboe player. Music is our joy and we spend most of our time hanging out, listening to various artists. He has gotten me to appreciate Metallica and Slipknot. I have introduced him to classic rock such as Aerosmith and Pink Floyd.
We hang out all the time. Just...hang out. We find many of the same things to be "cool". He has no problem introducing me to his friends and telling them how awesome I am. I let him hang out with me and my adult friends because the kid really knows how to have fun. We talk politics. He is a staunch Democrat and of course, being the liberal (leaning toward liberatarian) that I am, I appreciate his candor and knowledge.
Basically, he is the coolest kid I have ever known. He is a little mini-me. Most of all, we share the mutual love of tormenting his father, my ex husband. We don't bash the man of course, because that would be wrong, but we both kind of agree that he isn't as "cool" as we are. He tries...but it just doesn't come together for him.
Nick got his first kiss ever at his school's Halloween dance this past weekend. And, where most boys wouldn't discuss it with their mothers, we talked about it in detail, right up to the moment where he and his little girlfriend, Kristi, counted down 3...2...1...KISS! It cracked me up and he enjoyed seeing me laugh about this awkward time for him.
At night, I go into his room, smooth back his mop of curls and kiss his forehead. When he's asleep, he's back to being my baby; the little one curled up in his crib with all the tubes and wires attached to him to make sure he gets through the night still breathing. We've gotten through everything from divorce to swine flu together. And when he is sleeping, I remember the days that the doctors told me not to be hopeful about his survival.
I couldn't imagine my life without Nicholas in it. He's the reason I spend most of my days laughing even when there is nothing much to smile about. He's the sanity in my life and the reason, somedays, I have the strength to get out of bed and go on.
Happy birthday, Nicholas. Many, many more to come, for us to share...
Mommy loves you.
And yes, I know you read my blog, you little shit. Mind your own business.
Don't you have some homework to do?
That said, let me tell you about Nicholas. He turned 14 yesterday, on Halloween. When Nick was born, he had massive heart and lung defects. He wasn't expected to live let alone thrive the way he has. An open heart surgery later, after months of being on a heart monitor and sleep apnea machine, he has not only grown but has thrived, turning into a strapping young man who is healthy in every way.
Nick and I are abnormally close. I say abnormally because most mothers and sons do not talk about every aspect of their lives the way Nick and I do. We bond over music especially. We are both musicians. He plays the clarinet, guitar and drums. I am a classically trained pianist and oboe player. Music is our joy and we spend most of our time hanging out, listening to various artists. He has gotten me to appreciate Metallica and Slipknot. I have introduced him to classic rock such as Aerosmith and Pink Floyd.
We hang out all the time. Just...hang out. We find many of the same things to be "cool". He has no problem introducing me to his friends and telling them how awesome I am. I let him hang out with me and my adult friends because the kid really knows how to have fun. We talk politics. He is a staunch Democrat and of course, being the liberal (leaning toward liberatarian) that I am, I appreciate his candor and knowledge.
Basically, he is the coolest kid I have ever known. He is a little mini-me. Most of all, we share the mutual love of tormenting his father, my ex husband. We don't bash the man of course, because that would be wrong, but we both kind of agree that he isn't as "cool" as we are. He tries...but it just doesn't come together for him.
Nick got his first kiss ever at his school's Halloween dance this past weekend. And, where most boys wouldn't discuss it with their mothers, we talked about it in detail, right up to the moment where he and his little girlfriend, Kristi, counted down 3...2...1...KISS! It cracked me up and he enjoyed seeing me laugh about this awkward time for him.
At night, I go into his room, smooth back his mop of curls and kiss his forehead. When he's asleep, he's back to being my baby; the little one curled up in his crib with all the tubes and wires attached to him to make sure he gets through the night still breathing. We've gotten through everything from divorce to swine flu together. And when he is sleeping, I remember the days that the doctors told me not to be hopeful about his survival.
I couldn't imagine my life without Nicholas in it. He's the reason I spend most of my days laughing even when there is nothing much to smile about. He's the sanity in my life and the reason, somedays, I have the strength to get out of bed and go on.
Happy birthday, Nicholas. Many, many more to come, for us to share...
Mommy loves you.
And yes, I know you read my blog, you little shit. Mind your own business.
Don't you have some homework to do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
