Off Focus: The Hysterectomy Saga

aka: When Uteruses Attack.

Okay, as you can see, I took the entire month of August off.  In all my time blogging, I have never lost a complete month.  There's been a lot going on in my life, most of it good, some of it bad, some of it not worth mentioning.  In that time, I took a fabulous trip to Jamaica with a couple of my best friends, I turned 45 (first year of no birthday post!) and I became an aunt again to a beautiful set of twins, Torin and Talia. 

I have also found out that my endometriosis has come back with a blazing vengeance.

So, tomorrow, Dear Reader, I go under the knife.  10 am.  We are not just going after the remaining portion of my uterus, but we are grabbing out the following:

2 useless ovaries, one complete with 6mm cyst.
2 fallopian tubes.
1 slightly damaged cervix.
1 portion of the colon.
1 section of the bladder.
1/4 of the lining of the abdominal wall.

Stents shall be put into place to assure that my ureters do not collapse.  I am dosing heavily today on antibiotics (Flagyl and Amoxil) and in only a mere hour from now, shall start what is lovingly called a "colon cleanse" to make sure I am no longer full of shit, lest the doctor get spewed with fecal matter when he goes to scrape the endometriosis from my colon.  Yes, a full bottle of magnesium citrate awaits me.  I have a choice, Cherry or Lime.  I am thinking of doing a half and half mixture over crushed ice for the Sonic "Cherry Limeade" effect. 

Of course, tonight would be the night we decide to have a Happy Hysterectomy party with all my family and friends coming to visit.  Likely, I will spend three quarters of this visit in the toilet with my ass going like a running faucet on full blast while my husband lovingly slips a piece of my vagina cake under the door.

Yes, we are having vagina cake.  Red velvet...to celebrate the end of my periods.

Tampon shaped candles.  Sanitary napkins to decorate the house.  I think I will add glitter to them.

So, that's where I'm at, Ladies and Gentlemen.

I don't know when the next time is that I will be on my blog.  I have no clue.  But for now, I just wanted to put this out there, garner as much sympathy as I possibly could and perhaps lay a little Jewish guilt on you people who haven't visited me in some time.  Sure, we probably passed one another on Facebook, but really, is that the same thing?  No.  No it isn't.  "Today, CP is having a hysterectomy" and you hitting the "like" button is the equivalent of you shitting your pants and me pointing and saying "tee hee".

When I return, I will be substantially lighter (do you know all these organs have a total weight of at least 14 pounds?) and pain free, which is probably the most important thing in my life at this moment.

So, take care.  Good wishes to one and all.  I don't know or care if you're the praying type...but toss me out a good vibe or two.  And no, Ladies, my shoe collection is already designated to go to charity should something happen to me.  My purses go to my best friend, Gin.  My jewelry all goes to my daughter.  My money to my son.

Don't even dare think of trying to grab the Hotband.  He will be mine for all eternity.  Sorry, girls.

Peace.